Choosing a wedding party is hard on anyone, but sometimes same-sex couples feel the pressure even more because their friends don’t always fall into traditional gender roles or friendship roles. If you or your partner have been struggling to choose the people for your wedding party, these tips may help you finalize the list so you can move on to other parts of the planning process.

Consider How Large Your Wedding Is

The average wedding has four bridesmaids and four groomsmen. While you can have as many or as few as you like, you may want to use this as a guide. If your wedding is smaller than average, ask fewer people to join the wedding party. If it is larger than average, you can ask more to join you.

Start With Siblings or Other Close Family Members

This is the easiest way to fill some of the spots in your wedding party, especially if you are very close to your siblings. If you have a large family, you may find that you don’t have to ask anyone else once you ask your siblings. If you don’t have siblings, however, don’t fret. You can always ask friends or even cousins, aunts or uncles. Choosing your wedding party is more about who you are close to emotionally than who you are physically related to.

Don’t Feel You Need to Stick to Gender Norms

It is becoming increasingly normal for men to have groomswomen and women to have bridesmen, but even if it weren’t normal, who says you can’t step outside the box a little? Regardless of how you and your partner identify, each of you can have a mixed wedding party. Choose complementary dresses and suits, or if you would like your wedding party to match, have everyone wear a version of a suit.

Don’t Feel You Need to Reciprocate

Your wedding day is about you and your partner. It isn’t about returning a favor, so don’t feel you need to ask someone to be in your wedding party just because he or she asked you or your partner to participate in a wedding. Most people won’t ask why they weren’t chosen, but if someone does, simply be tactful and honest. Explain the decision was tough, but you felt you had to have the people you chose closest to you for that day.

Be Clear About Expectations

Every wedding is different, which means every couple has different expectations for the people in their wedding party. Some couples pay for everything, including attire, while others expect their wedding party to pay for some things, not to mention the time factor. Members of the wedding party help with a range of tasks.

• Bachelor and bachelorette parties
• Bridal shower
• Rehearsal dinner
• Addressing invitations
• Dress shopping

When asking people to be in your wedding party, be clear about how much money and time the role will take and don’t be offended if it isn’t something they can commit to.

Choose Responsible People

When you choose the people for your wedding party, consider how responsible they are. If your sister is a little flaky, consider asking her to be a bridesmaid instead of the maid or matron of honor. If you have two best friends, but one is more organized and responsible than the other, you may want to choose that one as the maid of honor and ask your other best friend to be a bridesmaid. Alternatively, you could have two people be the maids of honor or best men. This way, you can divvy up the tasks and give the most important ones to the more organized participant.

Above all else, remember your wedding party is not a popularity contest and you should not feel guilty for choosing one person over another. The people you choose should not only help the wedding planning and wedding day go smoothly, but should also be people you want to see in your pictures and share memories with for years to come.